Questions, questions, and not an answer in sight....

So I've been back from my vacation for two weeks (TWO WEEKS?!?!?!) and I've totally failed to get a post up. There are multiple reasons for this, some of them valid, some not.

Mostly, the reason I haven't managed to post, is because I've been really working hard on a new project (one which, in unusual fashion) doesn't even have a working title yet) and I'm having trouble fracturing myself and my time between writing and anything else. Of course, working on a new project is AWESOME. Except, at the moment, it's sort of not.

See, I've arrived at this strange point in which I find myself questioning EVERY LITTLE THING I write. I'm not talking 'oh, why would they run into the gaping mouth of a dragon, I guess I'd better come up with a good reason for that to happen' sort of questioning, either. I'm talking 'I know where this story is going, what it's going to say, who it's going to follow and what they're going to go through, but does anyone out there want to know what happens? Will anyone anywhere ever care?' sort of questioning things.

It isn't good for moral. I know that the number one piece of advice that everyone is going to give me is 'Push through it.' I KNOW THIS. I should be able to push right through. But it's not always that easy. I've always been able to laugh at myself in my life when things turned out 'differently' for me than they did for other people.

I was never asked to prom. Never really cared if I got asked or not. Went with a friend one year. Went with my dad (yeah, you heard that right, I am SUCH a Daddy's girl, so he walked me down the 'Senior Walk' for my senior prom. And believe it or not, I've had girls tell me since, that they wish they'd gotten their dads to do it too) And both at the time, and looking back, I always laughed. Made jokes that I'd be that I'd be 'that girl' who carried her man over the threshold. Etc and so forth.

I didn't go to college, and I still live at home. When I chose not to go (and instead to work here on the farm) and never moved out, I had to deal with the stigmas that went with having no college education and living with ones parents. I laughed at all the associated jokes and even made up some (when my dad introduces me to a stranger and they ask where I live, he tells them that I'm the loyal daughter who's going to push him around in his wheelchair, to which I always add 'and maybe down the stairs') Fast forward to now, and more than one friend has graduated college, gotten 'good, real' jobs that they've hated and quite and several have moved back home to save money while others have lost parents and wish they'd stayed longer and enjoyed them while they could.

In short, there are a lot of things I've done in life that most people don't consider 'successful' but that I don't regret because I'm happy and those around me are happy. I've never cared about 'almost' making it, or 'almost' winning something or 'almost' being the best because I was always happy with what I accomplished. And, in truth, it never crossed my mind that I COULDN'T make it, or win it, or be the best. Eventually.

Which leads me to now. And my ever-growing list of agents who have told me that my writing is 'almost' good enough for them to offer, 'almost' different enough to be super catchy and marketable 'almost' awesome enough to be snapped up. I understand how great it is to get any personal feedback. I really REALLY do. But it doesn't turn something that's 'almost' good enough into something that 'IS' good enough. I don't want this to come across as a ranty, whiny post. I'm just trying to articulate my very convoluted feelings on where I am in my writing journey at the moment.

When I first started getting 'almost' rejections, I was elated. People liked my writing enough to comment on it. And I squirreled away every single word, analyzed it and utilized it (sometimes getting second opinions to be sure it was sound info, not personal tastes) and my writing improved by leaps and bounds. I kept writing new stuff. Stuff that was better than the first project that garnered so much attention. Aaaand, I got almost (in comparison) no interest. Lots of form rejections. I stopped querying everything, and went to work revising, both projects, entirely rewriting a lot of the first one. I started querying again. Got several requests for the first (dystopian) and several requests for the second (contemporary) all of which ended in rejections.

The thing is, except for one rejection from an editor, which listed several issues concisely, all of the rejections listed things like 'dystopian is a hard sell right now' (right after glowing compliments on my writing) and 'Nineteen is older than I like for YA' (which must be code for something other issue because I could (and would) change a guy from 19 to 18 with only minor tweaking if it meant a possible agent, and that agent didn't offer that suggestion) or 'insert reason that doesn't have anything to do with the quality/marketability of my writing' rather than reasons that I can understand and utilize to continue improving my writing.

Which leaves me where I am. Questioning everything. Again, I know I'm not suppose to do that. But seriously, it's hard not to. And it's getting to be like a worn out joke. That girl who's ALMOST gotten an agent like two dozen times. That girl who writes stories that are ALMOST good enough to get published. So every time I write something, I find myself looking at it and thinking 'But is it worth my time? Will other people care about these characters? Will readers like a girl with red hair? Will they like characters who's name starts with 'R'? Will they think my bad guy is bad enough? Will they be repulsed if he's TOO bad?' because, honestly, some small region in my brain keeps telling me that it has to be something that insignificant that got me rejected, and even though I try to squash such notion, another part of my brain knows it really is possible that some rejections are just that silly. Which is where that infuriating term 'subjective' comes in.

Agents get SO many submissions, I have no doubt that if they read one which is good on all fronts but who has a mc who snorts when they laugh which the agent finds SUPER annoying, and then they read another one which is GREAT in some areas, but needs work in others, but has the BEST SIDEKICK EVER whom the agent adores, and the agent is forced to choose between the two manuscripts, they're going to choose the second one. Because hey, you can fix spelling and word count, but who can pass up a sidekick like that? Clearly the world needs to meet that sidekick. Meanwhile, the first ms is 'right' and likeable, but... well, if you find yourself saying 'but' then obviously, your heart is with that sidekick even though the ms needs work.

Does any of this make sense? I'm not eloquent like Kristin Cashore. She can write a post about something she's struggling with and it's just so damn pretty you want to read it over and over. I blather. In this case, there are so many things flying around my brain about this subject that I if I stood up right now, I'd probably walk into a plate glass window like a bird who's direction has been garbled.

The end result to all of this frustrated questioning and evaluating and hair rending is that I'm afraid now, that if I don't keep writing in every spare moment, I'm going to convince myself that this story is destined to be just 'almost' good enough and I'll stop writing on it. Already I've got several WIPs in varying states which I've temporarily abandoned for this very reason (one dystopian, one contemporary with fantasy elements and one contemporary) and I'm afraid this newest WIP will suffer the same.

Here's some parting questions though: If you got many 'almost' rejections on two vastly different works, with no definitive reason that you can address, how do you change your writing so that it surpasses 'almost'? Do you try to write something entirely different? Do you try to rework those 'almost' stories over and over? Do you push the boundaries of acceptable subjects and go for something way 'out there' in subject matter? Do you just keep writing exactly as you have been and just hope that the two dozen 'almost' rejections were all coincidences and there's no way all of those agents were bothered by something about your writing that they couldn't articulate?

Into the Sunset...

So, I've been lax about posting. Not because I haven't wanted to, but because life has been very busy and somewhat stressful recently, and posting on the blog was one of the things that fell by the wayside.

But there have been good things in amidst the craziness and stress.

I've got two manuscripts with editors. This is both exciting (they might like it!) and terrifying (they might like it!) for me, but I don't expect to hear back for some time, so I can pretend like the manuscripts haven't gone anywhere.

We now have another donkey. She's even smaller than JD was, and is somewhat of a rescue case, as the people who had her loved her, but had neglected to get her feet properly trimmed in over a year. Those of you who know about horses can imagine the 'elf slippers' she had, those who don't know what this looks like will be shocked when I post photos. The donkey has been dubbed Francesca, Fran for short. My niece Walelu is already enamored of her. Her feet were trimmed today, and though we're cautious because of the possible complications involved with such foot neglect, we're optimistic that Fran will be just fine.

And, finally, I'M ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION!!! Yes, that deserved all caps. It really did.

This Sat. I will fly out to Colorado, where dear friends will then haul me through multiple states in a camping, ranching, hiking extravaganza of fun, which will also involve Yellowstone National Park, among other adventures. TWO WEEKS of supreme escapism. I will, of course, be dragging my notebook along to write by campfire-light and in case of rainy days. I'll also have my phone, which sadly seems to be waning (I'm hanging on for the new i-phone 5) and my computer. But I imagine that both the phone and computer will be shoved under a car seat somewhere, mostly forgotten.

So if I'm not around, it's because I've hiked off into the sunset, searching for places other people haven't found. I'll find my way home eventually, not to worry. But I'll enjoy being missing while I'm gone.

Ponderings...

I try not to judge people. I think I do a pretty good job on the matter. I don't care if you went to college, if you're gay, if you're a soldier, or an artist who paints things that, on the inside, I hate, if you're Christian or Muslim or anything in-between, if you're politically opposite me, poor or rich, if you like me or not. I don't care because everyone's entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to live life as they see fit. So long as it doesn't endanger or damage others.

But I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and I don't want to start some sort of horrendous debate where people say awful things and get mad and I end up deleting the post, but I have to get this off my chest.

During the recent tragedy in CO, at least one person who was caught in the line of fire did something horrible. He has admitted what he did to several news stations. In personal interviews.

In the middle of all the shooting, and the killing and dying, this man laid his 4 month old child on the ground, and ran away. HE LAID HIS 4 MONTH OLD CHILD ON THE GROUND AND RAN AWAY. At the same time, he abandoned his girlfriend and his 4 year old daughter.

Obviously people have reacted to this occurrence. Understandably, in a negative way. As much because this man has been interviewed on live television, and during the interviews, he readily admitted that he set the baby down because 'he was crying and I thought 'that gunman is going to hear him and come get me' and then he readily admitted that he got in his car and drove away from the scene, only returning when his girlfriend (who managed to reclaim her 4 month old son, and then escape with both children) called him. Meanwhile, the girlfriend had shrapnel embedded the entire length of her leg.

I have commented on several people's FB posts remarking on the actions of this man. In a negative fashion.

Here's the big kicker where I really get frustrated:

People have commented back on EVERY post, DEFENDING the man. With very high minded and self-important tones, these people snidely pointed out that we have no right to judge this man because we don't know what we would do if put in his situation. Besides the fact that I would like to snidely inform these commenters (although I have mostly refrained, because I don't want to look like an ass) that THEY do not have any right to judge ME because they neither know me, nor what I would do in that situation, I would also like to point out to them, that they are defending a man who pretty much threw a baby into oncoming gunfire. Let's think about this. THREW A BABY INTO ONCOMING GUNFIRE. But hey, it's okay, because, you know, the guy was terrified. And everyone knows it's okay to set your baby on the floor and bolt like a bat out of hell if you're terrified.

I understand that I have never been shot at in a theater. I also understand that I would die, DIE, to protect my niece. Or any other child for that matter. If I'm ever forced to prove this fact, I imagine you'll read about it in the papers. There are a lot of things you can't know for sure in this world. but some, you can. And I know that it is not, under ANY circumstances, okay for you to set a 4 month old baby on the ground in the middle of a shootout and leave it there. Period.

People who think what this guy did was acceptable just because he was terrified and the shit was hitting the fan need to also stand up and announce that they think it was okay for Nazi soldiers to help butcher millions of Jews because, hey, at least a portion of those soldiers were young, and their families were threatened with death if they didn't join the regime.

Right.

HELL. NO. Not 'right'.

Wrong.

On every level. Even if they did what they did to protect their families, that doesn't make it okay. One doesn't balance the other.

I don't go around saying every person who served under Hitler deserves to burn in hell. I wasn't there. I didn't have to choose between watching my family get killed and helping kill other people's families. And I hope to God I never have to. But I don't go around saying it's okay that they did what they did, because it's not.

I'm not saying that this man deserves to burn in hell. I'm not his judge. But I'm not going to smooth over what he did and say it's okay either. Because it's not.

There comes a time when you have to hold people accountable. You are the master of your ship. If you do something horrible, then you did something horrible. Heroes are the people who do what's right, what SHOULD be done, when there's no one there to see. And fiends are the people who, in that moment where they can choose between doing what's right, and doing what best serves themselves, choose the latter. If it's okay for this man to leave his children and his wife behind, why isn't it okay for firefighters to stand outside your burning house instead of saving you? There isn't a lot of wiggle room in this for me.

I don't understand, in a country where heroes reign in books and on the big screen, why at least some of the public feels the need to defend a man who was willing to sacrifice his 4 month old child to the mercy of a crazed gunman. I just don't understand that mentality. It's our job as human beings to protect each other. But not to make excuses for bad behavior. Boys not old enough to legally drink or even vote have fought and died for this country because it was the right thing to do. Not because they weren't terrified of dying.

Okay, rant over, and feel free to post a comment with your opinion on it. But I won't be debating this in crazy fashion. And if you're hateful, I will delete the comment, or even the entire post. I don't wish death and destruction on this man. I'm not on a hate campaign. I'm glad he and his family survived. And I hope they all have good lives. I just needed to post and this has been on my mind since the tragedy happened.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men should do nothing - Unknown